Psalm 19:14

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer."  Psalm 19:14

I LOVE to sew.  If you know me, you know that.  What you may not know is that when I sew, I think.  And when I think, my mind is not always on things that are pleasing to the Lord.  Lately, my thoughts have been on church situations.  I get very "passionate" in my thinking when people are hurtful to my Pastor, my husband (the Assistant Pastor) or our intern.  It makes me angry when they are treated with disrespect.  It frustrates me when people believe that one of these godly men are out to hurt our church.  It makes me even more frustrated when these people are only showing up on Sundays, do nothing during the week, are not active in small groups or any other part of our church and then show back up on Sunday to complain again.  These are the people that make me want to pack it in.  This is when I say ministry is just not worth it anymore.

So I sew.  I focus on what these people are doing.  I have had quite the conversations (in my head) with these people.  I let them know what I think.  I let them know how they have hurt me and my family.  And in my mind I yell and scream and hold nothing back!  And I keep sewing.

Lately, the Lord has been convicting my heart about this.  I have been sewing and fighting for so long that I don't even know how to fix this.  My thoughts go into a tangent and I just keep sewing.  Now, I guess I could just quit sewing, but I don't think that is the answer.  There is no power within me to change this but finally, today I had a breakthrough!

I was working in my Bible study book "Unglued" and came across a section where Lysa talks about the words of our mouths and the meditations of our hearts.  It was as though the Lord verbally spoke to me.  He said, "Your meditations are not pleasing to me."  Oh boy!  You know where my thoughts automatically headed?  Directly to what I think about when I am sewing.  I guess I never truly realized how little control I have over my thoughts in this situation.  I get angry and upset and instead of taking it to the Father and asking Him to change my thoughts, I plunge myself deeper into frustration and build my walls higher.

This week has been especially difficult.  I believe that Satan is working overtime because I am trying to break free from something that he has held captive for so long.  My heart has been in turmoil.  I have been angry, hurt and frustrated.  My stomach has HATED me all week and I just keep sewing.  But this time, instead of focusing on the anger and hurt attacking my heart, I focus on Psalm 19:14.  I pray that God will change the meditations of my heart.  I pray that He will help me keep it together.  Like I said, there is nothing in me to change this, but there is power in the praying of scripture.

Are there things in your life that cause you to come "unglued".  Are the meditations of your heart pleasing to the Lord?  I would love to hear from you.  I know that I have a long way to go, but putting one foot in front of the other is progress even if it is imperfect.

Are you for us or our enemies?

About 2 years ago, we began the study "Sun Stand Still" by Steven Furtick.  At that time, Scott and I had been feeling very restless in our ministry, so we began to pray that God would make the sun stand still in our lives.  We asked God to do something so crazy that we knew it only came from Him.  Something that would make people think we were nuts, but that we would know deep in our hearts that He wanted us to do this.  We wanted to live outside the box, take risks and make His name famous.  We were willing to do whatever He asked and go wherever He wanted.

After lots of praying and counsel, we decided that we were going to go back to Buenos Aires, Argentina which is where Scott is from.  We were going to move to the city, get jobs, build relationships, help Scott's parents (missionaries there) and eventually start a church.  We didn't know how we were going to get there, just that we were going to go.  We were confident that this was what we needed to do.

Well, after a few months of doors being shut by the hand of God and not even a cracked window in our view we wondered if we were wrong.  We thought God wanted us there.  We thought we were doing what He wanted and it turns out He just wanted us to be willing.  Sometimes finding out that God just wanted you to be willing to go is harder to take than Him actually asking you to go.  We were a little shocked.  We were restless and nothing was working out.

Over the last year, things have changed.  God is making the sun stand still in our lives but not in the way we ever dreamed possible.  Being willing to go to Argentina was just the first step.  Maybe it was a test to see if we were really willing to do what He asked and I guess we passed because now  God has asked us to do some pretty crazy, out of the box things.  He is working and even though I can't talk about it, know that God is doing only what He can do (and I will be able to talk about it next week!!)

That brings me to my newest Bible study.  I just began an online Bible Study here.  We are going through the book "Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions" by Lysa TerKeurst and the Lord knew I would need this study at this time in my life.  I am feeling unglued.  There are days when I think "better be careful what you pray for!"  My heart is torn between the safety of what I know and the unknown.  I can feel my emotions fraying and trying to keep it together is far from easy.

Today, in my reading, Lysa tells the story of Joshua just before he and the children of Israel are about to make their first trip around Jericho's walls.  Joshua is alone and he is approached by "the commander of the army of the Lord" (Joshua 5:13).  This is God in human form!  Talk about coming unglued.  I would have been more than a little freaked out!  However, Joshua asks, "Are you for us or for our enemies?" (Joshua 5:13).  As Lysa points out, God doesn't say "Why of course I am Joshua!  I am on your side!"  He says, "Neither."

Say what?  How can God not have a side?  Isn't He the good side?  I mean, if he were a Jedi Knight He would be carrying a blue lit light saber!  I mean He is all that is good and pure and holy.  Jericho is evil.  They are the enemy. I think Darth Vader is from Jericho!  How is He not on a side?

And then Lysa points out something I have missed every time I have read this story.  Maybe, Joshua should have been asking, "Whose side am I on?"  Whoa!  That hit me like a ton of bricks.

Whose side am I on?  When things are going crazy and I don't know which end is up, whose side am I on?  When God asks me to do something that is so far out of my comfort zone I can't stand it, whose side am I on?  When my life is falling down around me, whose side am I on?  When things are better than they have ever been before, whose side am I on?

I know that my future is uncertain.  I know that the changes we are facing as a family are scary.  However, I know whose side I am on.  This is His plan for our lives.  It is going to be crazy and awesome and unknown, but He is in control and I will forever be on His side.

Facebook Page

I now have a Facebook page for all my creations!  Hopefully, going here will work!  If not, search RMT Boutique.  I am working on all kinds of items and trying to add them daily.   Items are handmade and available in many sizes.  If you see something you would like to order you can let me know on the page or email me at thejourneyhome.todd@gmail.com.  Once the item(s) is complete, I will send you an invoice through Paypal.  Remember ALL proceeds go to our adoption fund.  Also, if you would like to purchase a cookbook, you can do that on the right hand side of this blog.  Here are just a few items that are available:

Feel free to hop on over to the RMT Boutique Facebook Page!  I hope to see you there!

Feeling Blessed

First, I just want to say THANK YOU so much to all of you who have placed an order or have said you will place an order for a cookbook!  We are so blessed to have so many people support us and pray with us through our adoption.  Feel free to share our blog with your friends and family so they have the opportunity to purchase a cookbook as well.  God has given us the greatest family and friends and we appreciate you all!

Second, our profile is finally online at www.bethany.org.  We are listed with the waiting families profiles.  We hope that having a national presence will help us to be found by our birth mother very soon.  I know that we will hear something very soon.  Feel free to share our profile with anyone and everyone.

Third, things are crazy here!  Trent turns 6 tomorrow!!  I can't believe my baby is going to be 6!  It seems like only yesterday that we brought him home to be our child forever.  He started Kindergarten last week and all ready kissed a girl the first day (He is a Todd!)  He came home yesterday to tell me that he found a new girl to marry, at least it was the same girl he kissed.  I don't know what I am going to do with him!

Thank you Courtney Jo Lemmons for the pictures!  

Finally, big changes are coming to the Todd household.  I can't tell you about it yet, but I will soon.  God is faithful and we are excited to share what He is doing.  Keep checking back and I promise we will tell you soon!

Let's Do This!

Over the last few months, I have had nothing to report.  I know it is just part of the process and though frustrating at times I know that God has His hand in this.  A few weeks ago we had problems with our insurance.  Apparently, we had a problem since February and didn't know it!  You see, if we had a baby placed with us during this time we would have had even more problems with the insurance.  Even though things are still working out, I do feel that God protected us from some major headaches.  Hopefully, everything will be taken care of soon and we will be back on track.

In the meantime, we need to raise $16,150 for our next payment!  Yes, that is A TON of money, but as I have said before, my Father owns the cattle on a thousand hills so $16,150 is pocket change to Him!  Last year we started working on a cookbook.  Many of you submitted recipes and after quite a long time of delays, travels and school we are ready!  It is now time to order your cookbook.  There are almost 200 recipes and I must admit I cannot wait to try all of them!  While I was proofreading, I kept thinking, "I need to try that and that one too!"  I was hungry all the time!!  So, if you would like to purchase a cookbook, click on the button at the side for Cookbook Fundraiser.  Each book is $10.  If you would like them shipped to you there is a choice for a cookbook + shipping.  If you would like to order more than 4 please let me know and I can email you an invoice.  I plan to order the cookbooks on September 7th so make sure you place your order so I get enough.

On the Death of a Father

Today I found out that a childhood friend's father passed away today.  This obviously got me thinking about my Dad and how he is no longer here on this Earth.  I haven't written much about my Dad since he passed away, I have pretty much kept to myself on the subject.  I do not think that words can even express how I feel about his death or how much I miss him.

I was also thinking of how many friends, who are my age, have lost a parent in the last couple of years.  It kind of makes me angry because I do not feel that I am old enough to have lost a parent yet.  Children grow up, get married, have children, their children grow up and THEN they begin to lose their parents.  We are supposed to have our parents with us until they are old.  They are supposed to attend our children's graduations and weddings.  They are supposed to be there for their first great-grandchildren.  That is how it works.  At least I thought it did.

My Dad will never attend my child's kindergarten graduation, much less his high school graduation.  My Dad will never know any of his other grandchildren.  He is supposed to be here!  Why isn't he here?  Why did God decide it was time?  Why don't I have any answers?  Why are so many of us losing a parent?  I don't have any answers but as I continue to work through the grieving process I find peace in knowing that for some reason losing my Dad fits into God's plan for my life.  I don't like it.  In fact, I hate it, but it is what God has given to me and through it He will be glorified.

Still Processing

Lake Balaton, Hungary

Words do not even begin to describe the emotions I have felt over the past week.  On June 30, I and a team of 17 others left Indianapolis, Indiana and headed for Budapest, Hungary.  We were headed there to put on a week long camp for Hungarian children living in homes.  Some might call them orphans, but in reality many of these children have parents.  The sad thing is that the living conditions of the home were better than the place the children had lived with their parents.

I had not originally planned to go on this trip, but through a series of events it was necessary that I go.  I knew going into this that my heart would be stripped from my chest, beaten, bruised and returned more raw than ever before.  I knew that my life would be forever changed.

If you have followed my blog for any length of time, you know my heart for children.  You know that I want nothing more than to have a whole houseful and you know that God has not granted that desire.  You know that we are in the process of an adoption that is not moving forward and you realize that I have not blogged because my heart hurts so much I feel that it will never heal.  Over time, I have been asked if I will continue to love the Lord even if He chooses not to give me anymore children.  He has blessed me with the most amazing little boy and while it is hard to listen to Trent ask God to bring his brother and sister to us every time he prays, I can say in my heart that I will continue to bless His name.

Over the next few days, I hope to process all that I saw, heard and felt.  I hope to share some of these things with you.  I truly believe that this is still part of the journey that God has led us on and He is faithful to finish the work He began.

And the Winner is....

I meant to post this the other day but I haven't done much of anything the last few days.  I did something to my back and I am FINALLY feeling better.  I told Scott that this is what I get for trying to clean out the garage and the closets!!  Even though I do plan to dive right back in after Easter.

Just a little tidbit of information... We have submitted our home study to the state of Ohio to be considered to adopt a sibling group of 4.  We don't have a lot of information on them and we won't unless they decide to choose us to adopt them.  Right now, we are just praying that the Lord's will be done.  There are some "issues" as far as the size of our home and our income that may keep them from choosing us, but we know that God is bigger than those "issues" and if He wants these children in our family, they will be.  Right now the team is reviewing home studies.  I do not know for how long but I really hope to hear something in the next month or so.

And now onto the winner of the $100 Target Gift Card!!!  Thanks so much to those who donated to our fund.  We really appreciate it!  The winner is Pete Mular!!!!!  Pete, make sure that you email me your address at thejourneyhome.todd@gmail.com so I can get it out to you!!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter!

Selling Stuff!

Last weekend I did another cupcake sale for our adoption fund.  This was a little difficult because we have a team going to Hungary on a missions trip this summer so they are raising money as well.  I did pretty well making about $150 and a little more yet to come in.  I have also been cleaning out the garage and selling it.  I have been able to add money to our fund that way as well!  God has been good because things keep selling and it is no longer in my house!

I want to ask that you pray about a situation that we have been introduced too.  We are praying about it and hoping to hear something soon.  We are waiting on our agency to send our home study to another state in order to be considered at this time.  We know that God is in control and I will just keep waiting on Him and His perfect timing.

Don't forget, you still have a day or so left to be part of our Target Gift Card Drawing!!!  Just make a donation on the right hand side where is says Todd Adoption Fund and you will be put in the drawing.  It doesn't matter what you donate to be in the drawing.  I will draw the winning name on April 3rd at 8:00pm est and post the winner!!!

I hope everyone had a great weekend and I look forward to sharing with you more about what God is doing in our lives.  Have a SUPER week!

Keep Pressing On.

This week has been FULL of decisions that we have needed to make.  It seems that there has been one thing after another concerning adoption.  At one point this week we were asked to consider the possibility of adopting a 9 and 11 year old.  That was all the information that we had but we decided that was not what was best for our family.  I've been frustrated with all the changes that could or nearly have taken place.  I have literally felt like I have been running around like a chicken with its head cut off.  Things are just swirling in my head while I try to make sense of them all.  Another opportunity presented itself and while I thought it might be the way for us to go, after talking and asking God for an obvious sign I think we will walk away from it as well.

Right now, we are just moving forward.  Willing to walk through ANY door that God opens for us and praying that He shuts the ones He doesn't want for us.  Sometimes it just doesn't make sense but I will continue to look ahead and trust that He is control.

Don't forget you can still get in on the Target Gift Card drawing that will be held April 3rd.  You can donate to our fund by clicking on Todd Adoption Fund and you can see our progress on the thermometer.  Don't forget you earn an entry for posting our blog on your FB or Twitter as well. I have also begun cleaning out the garage and closets and selling items on our town's garage sale FB page.  That has helped as well.  Thanks so much for your prayers and support.

Donate to our fund and you could receive...

A $100 Target Gift Card!!!!!!

We all know there are about a billion reasons you would need a gift card...

groceries, new clothes, books, toys, gift, Mother's Day is coming, just because,  etc...

Who wouldn't want to receive a gift card, To TARGET?!?!?

Here is how it works.  We are trying to raise $2500 to make our next payment for our adoption.  Once this payment is received our profile will be shown to prospective birth mothers.  At any time we could be chosen to be the adoptive parents.  

So...for every dollar that you give toward our fund you will get one entry into the drawing for the gift card.  So if you give $1 you get 1 entry.  $20 equals 20 entries and so on.  I will also give you 1 free entry for sharing our blog on your Facebook page, twitter or blog.  So that could be 3 more entries (but you have to give at least $5 to get the free entries.)  BONUS!!!

You can make your donation by clicking on the link on the right that says Todd Adoption Fund.  We thank you all ahead of time for helping us raise the $2500 we need to bring our baby home.

Home Study-Complete

I finally received word this week that our Home Study is COMPLETE!!!  We had been waiting on 1 piece of paper from the insurance company and it finally arrived.  I am so glad that we are finally able to move forward!  With that being said, we also received a notice for our next payment.  All $5500 of it!  We have about $3000 in our adoption fund that we will put towards that but we still have to raise the other $2500.  I have been amazed at how people have asked how they can help.  One of these days I will share a message that we received from our nephew concerning this very thing. 

I am working on another fundraiser and hope to have details very soon. Our goal is to raise $2500 in the next 2 weeks.  This will allow us to make the next payment so that our profile will be shown to prospective birth mothers.  We know that God began this journey in our hearts and He will provide the money we need.  If you would like to donate to our fund, click on "Todd Adoption Fund" on the right hand side.  We appreciate you and your prayers.

This is hard

We have been very busy lately and to be honest staying busy is often very good for me.  I often need to stay busy so that I do not focus on how long this adoption is taking.  However, I do have my times where I sit here at my little desk and stare out the window and wonder.  I wonder about my children.  I wonder where they are or if they are safe.  I wonder if they have been born.  Sometimes I wonder why God called us to this wonderful world of adoption.  Why didn't He allow me to have babies like other women?  Why did He chose us for this journey?

This journey has been hard.  I'm not complaining because I know it makes me a better person.  I value the relationship with my child(ren) more than I would if I had not endured this struggle.  But I do get tired.  I get tired of waiting on paperwork to be approved.  I get tired of opinions on what we should do because that is what all the research shows instead of being asked "What is best for your family at this time?"  I get tired of figuring out the next fundraiser and praying it is successful so we can make the deadline for our next payment.  Some days, I wish someone would just write a check for us to adopt all the kids we want.  Then I wish that all the paperwork would be done and we would be on our way to getting our children. 

But that isn't how it works.  There is struggle.  There is heartache, BUT there is joy in this journey.  My heart sings as I remember those that have chosen this journey because they have heard our story.  I rejoice when another sweet face has a family.  I'm amazed as I watch the Lord's hand in all of it.  He is good in all things!  He has laid out this journey for us and though it is hard I would not trade it for anything.  This journey is worth it!

Being Me

If I were a bird, I could fly
High as the stars in the sky
But a bird I'll never be
So I'm happy, you see
Just being me, being me

Being me
Being free
Being all I can be
I can pass every test
Cause I'll give it my best
Just being me, being me

If I were a bell, I could chime
Ring-ding-a-ling, all the time
But a bell I'll never be
So I'm happy, you see
Just being me, being me

Being me
Being free
Being all I can be
I can pass every test
Cause I'll give it my best
Just being me, being me

I am a light
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
I can shine
The light of the world
I can shine
Jesus love shines through me
And I'm happy, you see
Just being me, being me

Being me
Being free
Being all I can be
I can pass every test
Cause I'll give it my best
Just being me, being me
I can always be myself
Better than anybody else
Just being me

This is one of those songs that I grew up singing.  As a child, I would sing just about anything with reckless abandon.  It didn't matter to me if I was on key or not, I was just happy to sing.  I remember singing this song and my Mom or my Aunt Sue always telling me (and my cousins) how God made each of us special and we could always just be ourselves.  I had big dreams of what "being me" meant.

Somewhere through the years I lost sight of what "being me" meant.  At some point, I decided that "being someone else" was better.  Suddenly, who God made me to be was not enough.  I am almost 35 years old and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  Well, maybe I do, I just don't want to admit it because someone else's life looks so much more exciting.  Everyday I listen as Satan tells me that I am not good enough and that I never will be.  He tells me that someone will always be more and do more than I ever could. 

Last week, I was able to attend a virtual conference at Leading and Loving It.  One of the speakers was Michelle Meeks.  I don't know Michelle but she will forever have a special place in my heart.  She was talking about the importance of being yourself.  She told the story of her daughter who was singing in the car but she was trying to sing like the artist on the radio.  Michelle told her she would much rather here her daughter's voice then her trying to sound like someone else.  She said how often does God say to us, I don't want you to be like someone else, I want you to be who I created you to be.

I have really thought about this a lot this week.  I look at the lives of other women and what they are doing and I wonder why I can't be like that.  My heart yearns to do some of the very things they are doing and I feel like a failure because I haven't.  This week I have realized that God has closed many doors because it was not part of who He created me to be.  I realize that God isn't closing doors of what I want because I want it, but because it is not what HE wants.  He has a very special plan for my life and it is so far beyond anything I could ever imagine!  Why wouldn't I want that?

So, I begin this week with purpose.  A purpose to focus on what GOD wants for my life.  To put aside my plans for my life and let Him work.  To be still and let Him hammer out the details.  To know He has a plan and if I would quit trying to do things my way, I would see that "being me" is what is best.

Update- Well kind of...

This new year has been so crazy here in our little town.  So far we have seen a murder, 2 shootings, a horrible car accident that killed a 7 yr old boy and men approaching little girls at the bus stop and while walking home from school.  Now this may sound normal to some of you, but these things do not happen in our little town.  We are a quiet town that keeps to ourselves for the most part.  Sadly it seems as though things are beginning to change.  Please pray for our town and the people in it.  We need God's hand of mercy more than ever.

Moving on.

I don't really have a lot to update you on our adoption.  Our Adoption Specialist is working hard to finish up our home study and I have been working on our adoption profile.  The adoption profile is causing me some stress.  I have almost all the pictures in, but I am really struggling with what to write.  I've never felt that I was "good with words" and I am trying hard to say the right things.  This book will go to prospective birth mothers.  Hopefully, one of them will choose us, but I just don't know what to say!

I'm also hope to finish up the cookbooks by the end of this week so they will be ready for purchase soon.  The cost is $10 each and can be purchased by clicking on the link on the right hand side.  Thank you for helping us with this fund raiser.

Well, it is going to snow later today so I better head off to the store to stock up on milk and bread.  Sad thing is I need milk and bread!  :-)