On the Death of a Father

Today I found out that a childhood friend's father passed away today.  This obviously got me thinking about my Dad and how he is no longer here on this Earth.  I haven't written much about my Dad since he passed away, I have pretty much kept to myself on the subject.  I do not think that words can even express how I feel about his death or how much I miss him.

I was also thinking of how many friends, who are my age, have lost a parent in the last couple of years.  It kind of makes me angry because I do not feel that I am old enough to have lost a parent yet.  Children grow up, get married, have children, their children grow up and THEN they begin to lose their parents.  We are supposed to have our parents with us until they are old.  They are supposed to attend our children's graduations and weddings.  They are supposed to be there for their first great-grandchildren.  That is how it works.  At least I thought it did.

My Dad will never attend my child's kindergarten graduation, much less his high school graduation.  My Dad will never know any of his other grandchildren.  He is supposed to be here!  Why isn't he here?  Why did God decide it was time?  Why don't I have any answers?  Why are so many of us losing a parent?  I don't have any answers but as I continue to work through the grieving process I find peace in knowing that for some reason losing my Dad fits into God's plan for my life.  I don't like it.  In fact, I hate it, but it is what God has given to me and through it He will be glorified.

Still Processing

Lake Balaton, Hungary

Words do not even begin to describe the emotions I have felt over the past week.  On June 30, I and a team of 17 others left Indianapolis, Indiana and headed for Budapest, Hungary.  We were headed there to put on a week long camp for Hungarian children living in homes.  Some might call them orphans, but in reality many of these children have parents.  The sad thing is that the living conditions of the home were better than the place the children had lived with their parents.

I had not originally planned to go on this trip, but through a series of events it was necessary that I go.  I knew going into this that my heart would be stripped from my chest, beaten, bruised and returned more raw than ever before.  I knew that my life would be forever changed.

If you have followed my blog for any length of time, you know my heart for children.  You know that I want nothing more than to have a whole houseful and you know that God has not granted that desire.  You know that we are in the process of an adoption that is not moving forward and you realize that I have not blogged because my heart hurts so much I feel that it will never heal.  Over time, I have been asked if I will continue to love the Lord even if He chooses not to give me anymore children.  He has blessed me with the most amazing little boy and while it is hard to listen to Trent ask God to bring his brother and sister to us every time he prays, I can say in my heart that I will continue to bless His name.

Over the next few days, I hope to process all that I saw, heard and felt.  I hope to share some of these things with you.  I truly believe that this is still part of the journey that God has led us on and He is faithful to finish the work He began.