Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Staying Afloat

Today I took my little man to swim lessons.  He has been doing really well and I am so proud of him.  He has learned the rules of the pool and that we ALWAYS wear life jackets when we are on a boat.  (And that we don't call 911 to tell them our colors!)

Besides teaching pool rules to the kids, the lifeguards spend a lot of the time teaching them to float.  They have the kids lay on their back and hold them up.  Most of the time the kids are holding on for dear life and begin to cry.  They spend most of their time scared to death.  Today I watched a little girl cry and cry while clawing the lifeguard.  She fought every step of the way.  The lifeguard spoke to her with a soft voice and continued to have patience while holding her in the water.

As I watched I realized that I have been crying and clawing at God, holding on for dear life.  I'm scared of what the future holds.  I'm afraid that the one Person that has promised to hold me and not let me drown is going to drop me.  I'm afraid that this time, He may not keep His word.

After a couple of weeks, my little man learned to trust the lifeguard.  He floats around like a little fish.  He isn't scared anymore. He has experienced the peace of just floating.  He has put all his trust in the lifeguard knowing she won't let him fall. 

I know how to float.  I've experienced the peace of letting God hold me while I enjoy the ride.  He has never given me a reason to be afraid.  He has never given me a reason not to trust Him, yet I continue to cry, claw and scream, "I'm scared!"  All the while He speaks to me with patience and love knowing that when I learn to let go I will enjoy the ride.

How many times in our lives have we grabbed on to God fighting with Him over what He has called us to do?  Why are we so afraid to let Him hold us up when He wants us to do something for Him?  I want to learn to relax and let Him hold me while I float.  No more clawing, fighting or crying.  Just trusting in the One who promised to hold me.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A New Direction

So far this adoption has been smooth sailing.  We have had some minor bumps but nothing major.  We continued moving forward as God continued to provide the money we needed to start this adoption.  We knew we were in God's plan for our lives and we were happy that things were moving so quickly.

Well, then it happened.  The tornado that comes through your life and rips everything apart or turns it all upside down.  We were told some things during our home study that were absolutely not true.  We were asked to compromise our beliefs and told that if we did not do this the agency would not approve our home study. 

I have refrained from writing anything because there has been so much chaos.  Something that is so minor in our life became the focus.  It is sad really, that a "christian" agency would require a Christian family to go against scripture in order to adopt a child.  Satan has been busy.

I have been angry, cried, yelled and screamed more in the last few weeks than I care to admit, but I have also prayed, begged and sought wise counsel probably more than I ever have in my entire life.  I have searched the scriptures and laid it all at the feet of Jesus and in Him, I found my peace to make one of the hardest decisions of my life.

Like I said, Scott and I have prayed and sought wise counsel both together and apart.  We came to the conclusion that we would not compromise our beliefs and we would follow God's Word no matter what.  We decided we could not continue to work with an agency that had lied to us and asked us to compromise our beliefs and had provided no Biblical counsel.

This is not the end of our adoption journey.  We still believe that God has called us to adopt.  He knows where our children are and He is watching over them.  We will continue to raise money for our adoption fund and we will be looking for a new agency.  We will be very particular and move slowly.  If you would like to suggest an agency, please do.

At this time we are looking into all options.  We are considering international and domestic adoption.  We are prayfully considering every possible option at this point and we believe that God will lead us to our children in His time.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

For This Child I Prayed

The end of our first day together.

4 years ago today was a game changer.  It was the most out of the normal day of my life.  I was headed to pick up our little man for the first time.  He was coming to live with us and I was so excited and scared I couldn't hardly stand it. 

The day before, Scott left for Argentina on a Missions Trip and I was about to become a single mom for 10 days.  I figured I could handle it.  I'm a pretty independent and strong woman.  No problem!

On my way to pick up Trent I had to stop and pick up a carseat.  (This is VERY important to my story.)  Since everything had happened so quickly, I hadn't been able to go register for a state of the art car seat or diapers.  We barely had a crib and bottles!  Most families get 6-9 months to plan for their baby, I think we might have had 2 weeks!  God was working so quickly, I could barely keep up.

I arrived at my destination and walked in to meet the foster mom.  This woman was a Godsend.  She was a Kindergarten Teacher who took in drug babies and raised them until they went back to their parents or were adopted.  She was and I'm sure still is an amazing foster mom.

We talked while Trent had his visit with his birth father and sister.  She had written out a schedule for me, she gave me a keepsake box, and lots of pictures.  Most foster children do not have a story to tell because they are going from foster home to foster home, but she saw the importance of my child's story and kept it for me until the day God put us together.  Because of her I have Trent's first Christmas ornament, little shoes, and TONS of pictures of all his firsts.  She had experienced those milestones and documented them for me. 

I can't imagine the pain she felt when she held him for the last time.  She had raised this perfect little boy for 10 months and now she was placing him in my care.  She had the opportunity to raise Trent as her own, but she chose not too.  I will forever be grateful to her.

So, there I stood with my little man for the very first time.  He was mine.  I can't begin to explain to you the joy in my heart.  Even now, tears roll down my face as I am reminded of that day.  I had prayed for this child.  I had begged God for this child and He had granted my prayer.

I put Trent in his carseat and started to strap him in.  There was only one problem.  I didn't know how the car seat worked!  Here I was with a 10 month old in the backseat of the car and I couldn't figure out how to expand the straps to put him in!!  I didn't bother to keep the box or instructions when I left the store so I was at a loss!  I turned the car on (because it was so hot) closed the door and worked on the carseat.  After about 10 minutes, Trent began to cry.  After about 20 minutes I began to cry.  I'm sure you can imagine the chaos going on at that moment.  I don't think I have ever prayed so much that God would help me figure out how to work a carseat, but there we were hot and crying together.  Our first experience as mother and son! 

Now before you ask, why I didn't go back inside and ask someone to help me, I will tell you.  I was so afraid that they would (a) think I was crazy for not knowing how to work a carseat and (b) wonder who in the world thought it was ok to place a foster child with a woman who didn't know how to work a carseat.  I'm so serious!  I was afraid they would take him away.  After about 30 minutes (maybe more) I finally got  it.  Victory! 

We finally made it home and we began our life.  I'll be honest those 10 days that Scott was gone were hard.   There were times that I thought we had made the wrong decision.  I honestly didn't know if I could make it, but we did!  2 years later he legally became our child.  He is my sweet boy and I love him so much. 



This little man will be 5 in August.  I cannot believe how time has flown.  We have been blessed from the very beginning and I wouldn't trade anything for it.  Even now, I'm reminded (as he pitches a fit in his room) that for this child I prayed.