This is hard

We have been very busy lately and to be honest staying busy is often very good for me.  I often need to stay busy so that I do not focus on how long this adoption is taking.  However, I do have my times where I sit here at my little desk and stare out the window and wonder.  I wonder about my children.  I wonder where they are or if they are safe.  I wonder if they have been born.  Sometimes I wonder why God called us to this wonderful world of adoption.  Why didn't He allow me to have babies like other women?  Why did He chose us for this journey?

This journey has been hard.  I'm not complaining because I know it makes me a better person.  I value the relationship with my child(ren) more than I would if I had not endured this struggle.  But I do get tired.  I get tired of waiting on paperwork to be approved.  I get tired of opinions on what we should do because that is what all the research shows instead of being asked "What is best for your family at this time?"  I get tired of figuring out the next fundraiser and praying it is successful so we can make the deadline for our next payment.  Some days, I wish someone would just write a check for us to adopt all the kids we want.  Then I wish that all the paperwork would be done and we would be on our way to getting our children. 

But that isn't how it works.  There is struggle.  There is heartache, BUT there is joy in this journey.  My heart sings as I remember those that have chosen this journey because they have heard our story.  I rejoice when another sweet face has a family.  I'm amazed as I watch the Lord's hand in all of it.  He is good in all things!  He has laid out this journey for us and though it is hard I would not trade it for anything.  This journey is worth it!

Being Me

If I were a bird, I could fly
High as the stars in the sky
But a bird I'll never be
So I'm happy, you see
Just being me, being me

Being me
Being free
Being all I can be
I can pass every test
Cause I'll give it my best
Just being me, being me

If I were a bell, I could chime
Ring-ding-a-ling, all the time
But a bell I'll never be
So I'm happy, you see
Just being me, being me

Being me
Being free
Being all I can be
I can pass every test
Cause I'll give it my best
Just being me, being me

I am a light
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
I can shine
The light of the world
I can shine
Jesus love shines through me
And I'm happy, you see
Just being me, being me

Being me
Being free
Being all I can be
I can pass every test
Cause I'll give it my best
Just being me, being me
I can always be myself
Better than anybody else
Just being me

This is one of those songs that I grew up singing.  As a child, I would sing just about anything with reckless abandon.  It didn't matter to me if I was on key or not, I was just happy to sing.  I remember singing this song and my Mom or my Aunt Sue always telling me (and my cousins) how God made each of us special and we could always just be ourselves.  I had big dreams of what "being me" meant.

Somewhere through the years I lost sight of what "being me" meant.  At some point, I decided that "being someone else" was better.  Suddenly, who God made me to be was not enough.  I am almost 35 years old and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  Well, maybe I do, I just don't want to admit it because someone else's life looks so much more exciting.  Everyday I listen as Satan tells me that I am not good enough and that I never will be.  He tells me that someone will always be more and do more than I ever could. 

Last week, I was able to attend a virtual conference at Leading and Loving It.  One of the speakers was Michelle Meeks.  I don't know Michelle but she will forever have a special place in my heart.  She was talking about the importance of being yourself.  She told the story of her daughter who was singing in the car but she was trying to sing like the artist on the radio.  Michelle told her she would much rather here her daughter's voice then her trying to sound like someone else.  She said how often does God say to us, I don't want you to be like someone else, I want you to be who I created you to be.

I have really thought about this a lot this week.  I look at the lives of other women and what they are doing and I wonder why I can't be like that.  My heart yearns to do some of the very things they are doing and I feel like a failure because I haven't.  This week I have realized that God has closed many doors because it was not part of who He created me to be.  I realize that God isn't closing doors of what I want because I want it, but because it is not what HE wants.  He has a very special plan for my life and it is so far beyond anything I could ever imagine!  Why wouldn't I want that?

So, I begin this week with purpose.  A purpose to focus on what GOD wants for my life.  To put aside my plans for my life and let Him work.  To be still and let Him hammer out the details.  To know He has a plan and if I would quit trying to do things my way, I would see that "being me" is what is best.

Update- Well kind of...

This new year has been so crazy here in our little town.  So far we have seen a murder, 2 shootings, a horrible car accident that killed a 7 yr old boy and men approaching little girls at the bus stop and while walking home from school.  Now this may sound normal to some of you, but these things do not happen in our little town.  We are a quiet town that keeps to ourselves for the most part.  Sadly it seems as though things are beginning to change.  Please pray for our town and the people in it.  We need God's hand of mercy more than ever.

Moving on.

I don't really have a lot to update you on our adoption.  Our Adoption Specialist is working hard to finish up our home study and I have been working on our adoption profile.  The adoption profile is causing me some stress.  I have almost all the pictures in, but I am really struggling with what to write.  I've never felt that I was "good with words" and I am trying hard to say the right things.  This book will go to prospective birth mothers.  Hopefully, one of them will choose us, but I just don't know what to say!

I'm also hope to finish up the cookbooks by the end of this week so they will be ready for purchase soon.  The cost is $10 each and can be purchased by clicking on the link on the right hand side.  Thank you for helping us with this fund raiser.

Well, it is going to snow later today so I better head off to the store to stock up on milk and bread.  Sad thing is I need milk and bread!  :-)