Tonight we finished up our last home study visit. Everything went really well. We hope to have our home study completed by the end of the year. If the last little bit of paperwork gets in this should happen. Things have been so much better with our current agency and I love working with them.
One thing was brought up tonight that has my wheels turning. It was suggested to us that we open ourselves up a little more when it comes to the type of contact we will have with the birthmother. I will be honest. I don't really know how I feel. The idea of having a relationship with the birthmother scares me. I don't know if this comes from the past experience of being a foster parent and dealing with parents in the foster care system or what.
It isn't that I don't want my child to know their biological parents but I want the opportunity to be a family. This probably all sounds wrong and I don't mean for it too. I just don't know how I feel about the whole openness thing. How do I tell one child that they cannot have any communication with their biological parents when their sibling does? How do you decide for your child that knowing or not knowing their biological parents is the right thing?
Part of me is beginning to second guess this whole thing. If we do not open ourselves up there is the possibility of a very long wait for a birthmother. If we do open ourselves up, I am at risk of doing something I'm not sure I am comfortable with. Adopting internationally would make the decision for us. My heart is in turmoil. I really don't know what is right at this moment. I guess I've said all of that to say this: please pray that God gives us peace. One way or another I need peace to trust His plan for our lives and the lives of our children.
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