This is hard

We have been very busy lately and to be honest staying busy is often very good for me.  I often need to stay busy so that I do not focus on how long this adoption is taking.  However, I do have my times where I sit here at my little desk and stare out the window and wonder.  I wonder about my children.  I wonder where they are or if they are safe.  I wonder if they have been born.  Sometimes I wonder why God called us to this wonderful world of adoption.  Why didn't He allow me to have babies like other women?  Why did He chose us for this journey?

This journey has been hard.  I'm not complaining because I know it makes me a better person.  I value the relationship with my child(ren) more than I would if I had not endured this struggle.  But I do get tired.  I get tired of waiting on paperwork to be approved.  I get tired of opinions on what we should do because that is what all the research shows instead of being asked "What is best for your family at this time?"  I get tired of figuring out the next fundraiser and praying it is successful so we can make the deadline for our next payment.  Some days, I wish someone would just write a check for us to adopt all the kids we want.  Then I wish that all the paperwork would be done and we would be on our way to getting our children. 

But that isn't how it works.  There is struggle.  There is heartache, BUT there is joy in this journey.  My heart sings as I remember those that have chosen this journey because they have heard our story.  I rejoice when another sweet face has a family.  I'm amazed as I watch the Lord's hand in all of it.  He is good in all things!  He has laid out this journey for us and though it is hard I would not trade it for anything.  This journey is worth it!

Being Me

If I were a bird, I could fly
High as the stars in the sky
But a bird I'll never be
So I'm happy, you see
Just being me, being me

Being me
Being free
Being all I can be
I can pass every test
Cause I'll give it my best
Just being me, being me

If I were a bell, I could chime
Ring-ding-a-ling, all the time
But a bell I'll never be
So I'm happy, you see
Just being me, being me

Being me
Being free
Being all I can be
I can pass every test
Cause I'll give it my best
Just being me, being me

I am a light
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
I can shine
The light of the world
I can shine
Jesus love shines through me
And I'm happy, you see
Just being me, being me

Being me
Being free
Being all I can be
I can pass every test
Cause I'll give it my best
Just being me, being me
I can always be myself
Better than anybody else
Just being me

This is one of those songs that I grew up singing.  As a child, I would sing just about anything with reckless abandon.  It didn't matter to me if I was on key or not, I was just happy to sing.  I remember singing this song and my Mom or my Aunt Sue always telling me (and my cousins) how God made each of us special and we could always just be ourselves.  I had big dreams of what "being me" meant.

Somewhere through the years I lost sight of what "being me" meant.  At some point, I decided that "being someone else" was better.  Suddenly, who God made me to be was not enough.  I am almost 35 years old and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  Well, maybe I do, I just don't want to admit it because someone else's life looks so much more exciting.  Everyday I listen as Satan tells me that I am not good enough and that I never will be.  He tells me that someone will always be more and do more than I ever could. 

Last week, I was able to attend a virtual conference at Leading and Loving It.  One of the speakers was Michelle Meeks.  I don't know Michelle but she will forever have a special place in my heart.  She was talking about the importance of being yourself.  She told the story of her daughter who was singing in the car but she was trying to sing like the artist on the radio.  Michelle told her she would much rather here her daughter's voice then her trying to sound like someone else.  She said how often does God say to us, I don't want you to be like someone else, I want you to be who I created you to be.

I have really thought about this a lot this week.  I look at the lives of other women and what they are doing and I wonder why I can't be like that.  My heart yearns to do some of the very things they are doing and I feel like a failure because I haven't.  This week I have realized that God has closed many doors because it was not part of who He created me to be.  I realize that God isn't closing doors of what I want because I want it, but because it is not what HE wants.  He has a very special plan for my life and it is so far beyond anything I could ever imagine!  Why wouldn't I want that?

So, I begin this week with purpose.  A purpose to focus on what GOD wants for my life.  To put aside my plans for my life and let Him work.  To be still and let Him hammer out the details.  To know He has a plan and if I would quit trying to do things my way, I would see that "being me" is what is best.

Update- Well kind of...

This new year has been so crazy here in our little town.  So far we have seen a murder, 2 shootings, a horrible car accident that killed a 7 yr old boy and men approaching little girls at the bus stop and while walking home from school.  Now this may sound normal to some of you, but these things do not happen in our little town.  We are a quiet town that keeps to ourselves for the most part.  Sadly it seems as though things are beginning to change.  Please pray for our town and the people in it.  We need God's hand of mercy more than ever.

Moving on.

I don't really have a lot to update you on our adoption.  Our Adoption Specialist is working hard to finish up our home study and I have been working on our adoption profile.  The adoption profile is causing me some stress.  I have almost all the pictures in, but I am really struggling with what to write.  I've never felt that I was "good with words" and I am trying hard to say the right things.  This book will go to prospective birth mothers.  Hopefully, one of them will choose us, but I just don't know what to say!

I'm also hope to finish up the cookbooks by the end of this week so they will be ready for purchase soon.  The cost is $10 each and can be purchased by clicking on the link on the right hand side.  Thank you for helping us with this fund raiser.

Well, it is going to snow later today so I better head off to the store to stock up on milk and bread.  Sad thing is I need milk and bread!  :-)

Birth Order

When Scott and I decided to adopt again, we wanted to make sure that Trent remained the oldest.  This meant we only wanted to adopt a child(ren) under the age of 5.  At the time we felt it was important that Trent be the oldest in our family.  I honestly do not know why we felt/feel that way, but we do.  In reality, Trent is the middle child.  He has an older biological sister and a younger biological brother.  In our family, however, he is an only child.  It is funny because I see the "oldest" characteristics, "middle" characteristics and "only" child characteristics in him.  I've often wondered how the birth order plays into a child's development and security.  I'll admit I have not done a lot of research on this topic so I have no answers.

Last week, I was reading an adoption blog here.  If you don't want to read the story here it is in a nutshell.  A boy in an orphange in the Ukraine will 16 at the end of the year.  He will be turned out on the streets with a few belongs and some money.  He has had no upbringing to help him transition into this new life and will most likely end up homeless and addicted to drugs.  This is a common story for orphans.  These children have no skills and very little education.  They do not go to college and become law abiding citizens.  These children have nothing and no one.  Now that you have read the story in a nutshell, I URGE you to click on the link.  I do not know if a family has been found for him, but many have stepped up.

After reading about this my heart was convicted.  I began to think of all the times I have looked at photolistings and would not consider a child because they were older than my 5 yr old.  I won't even consider adopting them because of their age.  What is wrong with me?  If I truly have the heart of God for the orphan than what does it matter?  How can I continue to share my love for the orphan when I limit it?  Jesus doesn't love us because of anything we have done or our age, He loves us because we are His children. 

I truly desire to have a heart like His.  That means excepting and loving all orphans.  It means finding homes for some and bringing others into our home.  When I get to Heaven, I don't want God to show me the missed opportunities because I wanted my first child to be the oldest.  How many little lives will I miss out on being a part of because of my selfishness or my logic.  If there is one thing I have learned when it comes to God there is no logic!  I pray that I will be open to whatever He has for us and know that He is in control of my children's lives and no matter how they fall in the birth order they are loved and cared for.

Just Being Honest

Tonight we finished up our last home study visit.  Everything went really well.  We hope to have our home study completed by the end of the year.  If the last little bit of paperwork gets in this should happen.  Things have been so much better with our current agency and I love working with them.

One thing was brought up tonight that has my wheels turning.  It was suggested to us that we open ourselves up a little more when it comes to the type of contact we will have with the birthmother.  I will be honest.  I don't really know how I feel.  The idea of having a relationship with the birthmother scares me.  I don't know if this comes from the past experience of being a foster parent and dealing with parents in the foster care system or what. 

It isn't that I don't want my child to know their biological parents but I want the opportunity to be a family.  This probably all sounds wrong and I don't mean for it too.  I just don't know how I feel about the whole openness thing.  How do I tell one child that they cannot have any communication with their biological parents when their sibling does?  How do you decide for your child that knowing or not knowing their biological parents is the right thing?

Part of me is beginning to second guess this whole thing.  If we do not open ourselves up there is the possibility of a very long wait for a birthmother.  If we do open ourselves up, I am at risk of doing something I'm not sure I am comfortable with.  Adopting internationally would make the decision for us.  My heart is in turmoil.  I really don't know what is right at this moment.  I guess I've said all of that to say this: please pray that God gives us peace.  One way or another I need peace to trust His plan for our lives and the lives of our children.

Quick Update

This past Tuesday we had our 2nd meeting with our adoption specialist.  We are so excited that our home study is moving quickly and smoothly.  We are thankful for an agency that puts Christ first and understands our love for the orphans.  Our adoption specialist told us that she plans to have our home study complete by Christmas.  What a GREAT Christmas present!  At that time, our agency will be able to show our profile to prospective birth mothers.  We could be matched at anytime and pray that this will happen quickly and smoothly.  Our final home study meeting has been set for December 1st.  We have much to do but we are so excited to get to this point.

The completion of our home study means another payment is necessary to the agency.  I know that a lot of people complain about the amount of money needed to adopt a child and many do not understand why such an in-depth process is necessary.  I don't understand it either, but it is required and I will do what is necessary to walk this path.  My Father owns the cattle on a thousand hills, so the $23,500 that is needed to adopt a child domestically is change in His pocket.  My God is greater than all the fees and regulations that are needed to adopt a child.  He will provide and I try my best to trust in His timing. 

Saying that, we are in need of raising around $4800 to make our next payment.  We do have some money in our savings account but not that total amount.  Please pray with us that God will provide that amount of money so that we can make our payment and be matched with a birth mother as soon as possible.  If you would like to make a donation, you can do so on the right hand side of this blog.  If you would like to purchase a cookbook, you can do that as well.  Any suggestions for a fundraiser would be greatly appreciated.

I look forward to seeing how God provides the money that we need to continue on in our journey.

A Good Life

The last few weeks have been crazy.  We have had so much going on that I have hardly had time to sleep.  We were finally able to have Trent's birthday party because a lot of our family was in town.  I figured it didn't matter if I was a couple of months late.  He was so excited.  He had a Super Mario birthday party.  We celebrated in true Mario and Luigi form with spaghetti and meatballs and took the Wii to the church so the kids could play games.  We had a wonderful time with our friends and family.  Every birthday we have with Trent is so special to me and I thank God for placing him in our family.

Food

Power-Up!

Birthday cake

Trent opening presents.

The next day Scott was ordained to the ministry.  This was something that Scott always said he would never do.  It is amazing to watch how God works when we submit to His plan and allow Him to work in our lives.  I am really excited to see how God will continue to lead our family.

God has been so good to us and we are thankful for all He has done for us. 

Just a reminder:  The last day to enter a recipe for our cookbook is Saturday, November 12th.  You can go to www.typensave.com to enter your recipes.  The group login is toddadoption and the password is yjaeb.  If you would like to purchase a cookbook please do so on the right hand side of the blog.  Thank you for supporting us in our adoption process.